Grief, and where support starts

What grief can be like

Straight after a death, especially an unexpected one, healthdirect says people may feel shocked, numb or unable to believe it. As the loss sinks in, the feelings can include sadness, longing, loneliness, anger, guilt, anxiety and even relief, sometimes several that pull against each other. Grief can arrive in waves: it seems to ease, then returns.

It reaches the body too. Grief can be exhausting and may weaken the immune system, leaving people more open to colds and other illness. Sleep and appetite may change, and headaches, nausea and other aches are common. Everyday tasks such as reading and driving can become hard, because concentration goes.

For people caring for someone with a terminal illness, grief can begin before the death. healthdirect calls this anticipatory grief, and says it is common in the months, weeks and days beforehand. healthdirect suggests speaking to a doctor if intense feelings last longer than a few weeks, whether the grief comes before or after the loss. After a death, the South Australian Government notes that it is not unusual for grief to be felt over a long period.

Signs it is worth getting help

healthdirect suggests seeking help in any of these situations:

• sadness and despair that do not lift;
• grief that has been distressing for 12 months or more;
• grief that gets in the way of everyday life, including work, relationships or being with other people.

For some people grief stays intense for a long time, which is called prolonged grief disorder or complicated grief: the loss does not become easier to bear, and thoughts return again and again to the person who died. healthdirect says this may be more likely for children and adolescents, after the loss of a close family member, or after a particularly traumatic loss. Grief can also look like depression, and some people do develop depression after a major loss.

Where support starts

A GP can give care and advice about grief and refer on to specialist services. A GP can also talk about a mental health treatment plan. Services Australia says a doctor can make one for someone with a diagnosed mental health disorder, and that it lets them claim Medicare for up to 10 individual and 10 group sessions a calendar year with an eligible mental health professional, with referrals for up to 6 sessions at a time. Health professionals set their own fees, so Medicare may cover only some of the cost. Grief services set their own prices: some are free and many charge a fee. It is fine to ask for help at any time.

Alongside professional help, the Raising Children Network’s suggestions for a grieving parent include talking to friends or family about how they feel, spending some quiet time alone, writing thoughts down, and finding a way to honour the person, such as a place to visit or a letter to them.

A parent whose child has died can ask the child’s care team or a GP for a referral to bereavement counselling or a support group, whenever they feel ready. The Raising Children Network suggests putting off big decisions, such as moving house, for 6 to 12 months, since thinking clearly can be hard in the first months.

Phone lines, each from its own page

Lifeline

13 11 14 , answered 24 hours a day, every day.

Griefline

1300 845 745 , free telephone support for anyone who is grieving.

healthdirect

1800 022 222 , a registered nurse 24 hours a day (NURSE-ON-CALL in Victoria).

Open Arms

1800 011 046 , 24-hour counselling for veterans and their families.

Kids Helpline

1800 55 1800 , for children and young people, by phone or webchat, at any hour.

When a child or teenager is grieving

Children may feel sad, angry, confused or worried after a parent dies. Some worry that they caused it, or that their other parent or carer will die too. Grief can show in behaviour, such as tantrums, withdrawing, slipping back in skills already learned or doing worse at school, and in the body, as stomach aches, headaches or trouble sleeping. Some children seem not to react at all, and the Raising Children Network says that is common too. Teenagers may take risks, avoid school or take on jobs the person who died used to do.

What the Raising Children Network suggests

1. Tell them soon, and tell them yourself. A child should hear about the death from their parent as soon as possible, in plain and truthful words, somewhere private and familiar. Brothers and sisters are best told together, then talked with one at a time.

2. Expect the questions to keep coming. Explanations may need repeating, and the questions usually become more specific as a child’s understanding grows, sometimes for years.

3. Let school know. A teacher who knows can support the child. A teenager can be asked who they want told, and how.

4. Keep routines where possible, and accept help with them, such as a friend doing the school pickup. Routines make daily life feel predictable and safe.

5. Get support for them, too. A GP can point to bereavement counselling or a psychologist; a school counsellor and Kids Helpline are other places to start.

A parent supporting a grieving child is grieving as well, and looking after their own grief leaves them better able to help. Whether children come to the funeral, and how, is covered in planning the service. For veterans’ families, DVA’s own help is in when a veteran dies.