Australian law does not require a funeral, so whether there is a service, and what kind, can follow the wishes of the person who died and the needs of the people left. A funeral includes the burial or cremation; a memorial service does not, and can be held almost anywhere.
General informationThis page is general information. The NSW Government’s page on different types of services and the funeral and cemetery pages of each state and territory government are the official places to check.
Starting from what they wanted
Services Australia suggests finding the person’s will and other important papers early. They help the people acting for the person, and they may record final wishes, including whether a funeral or a memorial was wanted, or no service at all.
If the family decides against an official service, the burial or cremation still has to be arranged. The NSW Government calls this a ‘no service, no attendance’ burial or cremation.
A funeral or a memorial
| Kind of service | The burial or cremation | Where it is usually held |
|---|---|---|
| A funeral | Part of it | A funeral home, a cemetery or a crematorium |
| A memorial service | Not part of it | Anywhere, and often in someone’s home |
In Victoria, the Department of Health notes that some public cemeteries have function spaces that can be booked for a funeral service, and that a service can also be held at a separate venue.
Faith, culture and who leads it
Many funeral directors arrange services in keeping with cultural or religious practice, but not all of them do. The NSW Government suggests raising this with the funeral director as early as possible, to be sure they can provide the service needed.
Among the things a funeral director usually organises, the NSW Government lists liaising with clergy or a funeral celebrant, and the WA Government lists celebrants or clergy such as priests. A funeral director is not compulsory in either state, though both governments say most people find one makes things simpler.
Grief can be shared as well as private. The Raising Children Network notes that Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people grieve as a community through Sorry Business, and that in some religions people pray for the person on the anniversary of their death and in the days leading up to it.
Sharing the load
Arranging a service while grieving is a lot for one person. Writing for a parent whose partner has died, the Raising Children Network suggests asking for practical help from family and friends, and accepting it when offered, including asking someone to let others know what has happened, such as friends, a workplace and a child’s school. It also suggests doing only the essential tasks each day, and accepting that some usual standards will slip for a while.
For a teenager, the Raising Children Network suggests either including them in the planning or walking them through the plan, so they know what to expect.
Children and teenagers on the day
Being part of the funeral can help a child understand what has happened, grieve and say goodbye, and seeing people gather around the family may comfort them. The Raising Children Network says how much a child takes part is for the parent and the child to decide together, depending on what the child is comfortable with.
Preparing a child who is coming
- Say what the next days will hold: perhaps more visitors at home than usual, or time away from school.
- Offer a part to play. A younger child might choose photos, songs or something to be buried or cremated with the person; a teenager might help write a eulogy or put together a slideshow.
- Name a trusted adult to sit with the child, answer questions and take them out for a break if they want one.
- Agree on a signal and a safe place, such as a special word or gesture, and let the child know they can leave at any time and need not talk to anyone.
- Prepare them for tears. They will see adults upset, and it is all right if they feel that way too. A favourite toy or blanket can come along.
A child who would rather not go
The Raising Children Network says that is all right. It suggests talking gently about why, since some worries can be eased, and offering other ways to take part, such as coming to only one part of the day or saying goodbye another way, for example at a private viewing. If the child stays away, plan where they will be and who will be with them, and let them know they can change their mind.
After the day
Remembering continues long after the service. The Raising Children Network describes small rituals families use: setting up a special place with a photo, keeping a memory box, visiting the grave or the place where the ashes rest, cooking the person’s favourite meal, or making a drawing or a poem for them. Days such as birthdays and the anniversary of the death can be hard, and planning for them ahead can reduce the worry.
For a veteran whose death was accepted as caused by war service, DVA may provide official commemoration. The page when a veteran dies covers DVA’s help. How grief can show in children afterwards is in grief, and where support starts.